In 2021, I practiced yoga for the very first time. I have been involved in sports for as long as I can remember, and to say my relationship with movement was tumultuous and complicated would be an understatement. I come from a highly competitive softball background, rampant with grown men trading the happiness and well-being of their young daughters for their egos, and it wreaked havoc on my mental health, body image, and joy of movement. Once I stopped playing, no longer participating in any sport was my act of rebellion. Rebelling had its fair share of consequences. An intended short-term hiatus turned into four or five years, a pandemic that undid all the healing I had worked hard for and gifted me with the worse self-esteem I’ve ever experienced.
Embracing the forever presence of COVID-19, 2021 was the year I attempted to get a little bit of my life back, but I wanted something different. At this point in my life, I still believed in lofty and transformational New Year’s resolutions, and I pledged to myself that this would be my year! I’d lose the weight, get ripped, and be a whole new person (spoiler alert- it didn’t happen), but I couldn’t bring myself to do the same thing as before. I couldn’t force myself into a gym that brought me zero joy; instead, I began to think more broadly about what movement could look like for me.
For context, my anxiety and insecurities were overwhelmingly ruling my life, despite my ambitious resolutions. They were crippling and kept me from exploring new forms of movement in person at studios or other venues because I was so scared I would fail and look like a fool. So, instead, I brought those things to the comfort of my bedroom. I’m an avid google-er and very quickly stumbled upon Yoga with Adriene.
It was early January, and Adriene’s annual 30-Day Yoga program had just begun. That year, the theme was Breath, and I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I purchased a paper-thin yoga mat from Five Below and warily showed up on day 1 with a slightly open mind.
Before Adriene, I knew very little about yoga and absolutely nothing about the spiritual components that make yoga so special. I just wanted to move in a way that felt safe and supported and less judgy and hyper-competitive like I was used to. At this point, studios felt like the latter, so I tucked myself into my bedroom and would wobble and struggle through her daily practices.
I want to say that from then on, I was hooked, but I’d be lying. I only made it through part of the 30 days. After a week or two, I felt intimidated, and my heart wasn’t open enough to continue. I wasn’t ready for yoga to do its work on my mind and body. And that’s okay.
However, I did have a constant pull that kept bringing me back to the mat from time to time. After that pitiful attempt at becoming a full-time yogi, I’d arrive on my mat when I felt courageous and motivated, and at the end of every session, I’d be amazed at how I felt. I felt lighter, not in that “Wow, I dropped a pant size after that cross-fit sesh” type of lighter, but a “Wow, my mind is clearer, and I feel so powerful” type of lighter. And man, was that new for me. Before yoga, I had never felt that way after exercise. I had never experienced that communal and loving warmth that yoga had brought me. And again, I’d like to say that that epiphany was enough to have me hooked, but I’d be lying. What can I say? I like to play hard to get.
Then, in rolls 2022 and everything changed for me. I was still practicing haphazardly with spurts of consistency here and there, but my whole heart wasn’t in it just yet. I loved it, but life is complex and complicated, and I wasn’t arriving on my mat as often as I would have liked. But, I began to have the fire. I began to feel the passion ignite slowly but surely, like a tiny ember that brightens with a bit of breath. 2022 was when I took a hard and painful look at my life, my insecurities, and my pain, and I was finally in the place to take it in my hands and lovingly tend to it.
I’ve always struggled with being a little too hard on myself. A chronic perfectionist and lifelong overachiever, tenderness towards myself was a foreign concept. Still, I craved it, and when I wanted something bad enough, I did whatever I could to achieve it. For so long, that was for things outside myself, but I was beginning to want to work that hard for myself.
I began therapy. I started practicing at least once a week. And then, while sitting on the toilet in the summer of ’22 (the best ideas come to us when we are our most vulnerable), I opened my Facebook and saw a post by a little studio in Warrington called We Be Yoga. At this point, I was searching for a studio to call home because I craved in-person practice, but there were still road bumps. I was still insecure and scared of uncertainty and allowed that self-doubt to keep me from ever committing to a class, so my searching was strictly online. I’d search for hours and hours for a studio that felt safe enough to explore and would always back out because I was scared of so. many. things.
The post was an endearing advertisement for a five-day yoga retreat in nowhere, Pennsylvania. With an inexplicable burst of bravery, I quickly checked out the studio’s Facebook website, and something just felt right. I booked the retreat without even knowing where the place was, stepping foot in an in-person class, or ever meeting the people of We Be Yoga.
Talk about out of character.
I had a few months until the retreat, and in that time, I took yoga sort of seriously. I’d show up on my mat regularly, beginning to relish in the yumminess of yoga. Rather than tuck myself into my bedroom, I’d proudly practice in my living room for my dog and boyfriend to see. I’d light candles and set the tone.
I began to explore it as an act of intentional and protected self-care. I even made it to an in-person class, and I survived! Hell, I enjoyed it!
Although always inspiring and meaningful, the real shift happened when I met We Be Yoga’s wonderful people and embarked on the retreat of a lifetime.
I’ll never be able to express in words my gratitude for the entirety of that trip. I was enveloped in this loving and nurturing cacoon of extraordinary people who openly welcomed my family and me. The connectedness I felt was unlike anything I have ever experienced, and this opened my heart and mind to a whole other side of yoga that I didn’t even know I was missing.
The yoga I was practicing before was good, but the yoga I discovered there was what I had been looking for. It was what my soul needed.
Here’s what you’ve been waiting for: I was hooked. Wholeheartedly.
It took lots of bravery and breath, and it still does. Each day brings something entirely new to the mat. I discover something about myself and sink deeper into this love of mine each time. There’s nothing like it. And that is what I hope to share with you.