In my last post, Obstacles, I mentioned this idea of honor. It’s a big word, not in length, but in meaning. It’s got a weight to it that always seemed too powerful to use towards myself. Meaning “high respect”, or “great esteem”, honor was something I lacked. I didn’t feel worthy of it, I didn’t create space for it.
Then, I stepped onto my mat. It didn’t come naturally. I’ve said before, I was in a pretty rotten place when I first began practicing yoga. I was a chronic masker. I masked my pain. I masked my self doubt with hyper productivity and a “need to achieve” complex. I masked my vulnerability with a pretty crappy attitude and a hard exterior. Nobody could hurt me. I was already doing that for them.
I didn’t know at the time, the way yoga makes the invisible parts of ourselves visible. The way it can crack us open and make us take off our masks. To see ourselves for what we are, rather than who we try to be.
Shifting the focus
In the beginning, I wasn’t honoring much of anything. I was arriving, and I gave myself that much grace, but it ended there. I’d be critical of my lack of strength or flexibility. In addition, I’d just move through the poses without much intention or focus. Although I can’t pinpoint the shift for me, I began to let yoga do the work. I began to allow the practice to humble me. Instead of falling out of a pose and growing frustrated with myself, I began to respect what my body was telling me. It was telling me “Slow down, embrace the pace.” Sometimes it was telling me I needed more practice, or that I needed to rest. Honoring those messages allowed my thoughts to soften. It taught me to listen, not just to those around me, but to myself.
Honoring more than me
I wasn’t just learning to honor my body and my mind, but something bigger than myself. Yoga is about community and connection to something outside of ourselves. In Sanskrit, the root of the word means “to yoke”, or “to unify.”
When I was still an observer of the practice, I thought it was just another form of exercise that seemed a little more gentle than the Cross-fit I had been doing previously. I was completely unaware of its deeper meaning and the ways it would bring me closer to myself, my community, and something I can’t even quite name.
Growing up, I wasn’t religious. My parents were raised in churches and religious institutions, and because of their experiences they believed my sisters and I should have free choice when it came to religion and our beliefs. I’m grateful for that, and I spent much of my life critical towards organized religion and the idea of a higher power. Although this isn’t the place to air out what I believe, I will say that I think something beyond our humanity helps guide us. Maybe it’s the universe, maybe it’s spirit, maybe it’s God, I have no authority to speak on the matter, but yoga has brought me so much closer to that thing beyond.
When I am in an asana, or a pose, I feel connected to myself, the Earth, and the people around me. I have grown to honor that foreign feeling, as I spent much of my life feeling disconnected. I honor the connection that yoga provides, this inexplicable intimacy with something outside of myself.
Honor off the mat
Everything about yoga is a practice. Whether it’s stepping onto the mat, a new pose, the way we breathe, the way we shift our weight to feel the stretch somewhere new, or improving our mindset, it all takes work. Honoring ourselves is no different, but unlocking that part of myself that respects my needs and allowing them to take up space, has helped me carry that practice into my everyday life.
For example, I recently quit a job I had previously loved. The job itself hadn’t changed all that much, but I have. My wants and needs are different than they were, and I wholeheartedly believe if I wasn’t practicing this whole honoring thing thanks to yoga, I would’ve stayed in that job until it sucked me dry. Instead, I listened to myself. I sat with my thoughts and my feelings and after sorting them out, I decided to honor them. I respected what I was telling myself, and I have decided to move on to an opportunity that better aligns with who I am. Honoring what I needed gave me the courage to speak up, to seek out, and to make a change.
I honor myself like never before. I hope you know, you deserve the same. Take up space. Schedule some “me” time. It can be 5 minutes, it can be a hour. Do one thing today that honors what you need, or what you want. Who knows, it just might change your life.