Stillness

I suck at staying still. Stillness is a challenge for me every time I step onto the mat. I’ve noticed this thanks to this year’s 30 day program hosted by Adriene on her YoutTube channel. Her classes often focus on slowness and staying in one pose for a period of time, and I’ve come to realize I can’t stand this. At first I thought it was just personal preference, which it is a bit, but then I realized it is much deeper than that.

I’ve always thought of myself as a person who never lacked focus. When I begin a task, especially one I find interesting, there is no way anything can break my focus. I was the kid who could write a 5 page paper in a few short hours because I’d just sink into this place of deep concentration. For a while, I thought that was stillness. The ability to stay on one thing for an extended period of time. I could sit still in class or on a plan or train, I could always pay attention.

But then, I began practicing yoga. I also got curious and researched the real definition. Stillness is the absence of movement or sound, according to good ol’ Google. I noticed that I’ve never actually been still at all, focused maybe, but never still. Sure, I could do schoolwork quickly and sit patiently in a line, but there was always noise. Noise around me, noise in my head. It has always been noisy.

But then, I began practicing yoga. I had to look stillness in the eye for the first time, fully, and dang she’s scary. Turning the volume down on my to-do lists, responsibilities, and deadlines either imaginary or real, made way too much room for the stuff I didn’t want to hear. Like my pain, my trauma, my failures, my worries. Stillness left space for the stuff I tried to suppress with hyper-productivity and an addiction to achievement.

It is so hard to slow down. Some days are harder than others, but each time I am eternally grateful for the opportunity to look at myself with honesty and humility. Confronted by stillness, I’ve learned so much more about myself. In a world where busy is better, it is an effortful practice to choose the opposite. We sometimes feel that we should always be doing something, or that we should always be working towards this idea of success. But what is success anyway? Is it a large income, flashy cars, and bragging rights that society has set up as milestones? Or is it a meaningful and fulfilling life, tailored to ourselves and what we need?

Stillness made me think hard on this one. I used to obsess over my future. I had each detail laid out before me and I’d restrict myself from anything that could potentially deter me from that plan. And man, did I miss out on some stuff. And man, did I do a number on my mental health.

I’ve released myself from those shackles and have leaned into my practice of stillness to do some soul searching. For me, success isn’t about money or titles or anything like that. Not anymore.

My version? Solitude, where I feel safe and seen. Experiencing joy, a lot. Preserving my energy. Centering kindness towards myself and others. Establishing and asserting my boundaries. Yoga everyday. Journaling everyday. Gratitude. Lots of it.

Be still, you never know what it may tell you.